Monday, March 18, 2013

a few thoughts on pregnancy.

photo(65)


february 24. my period wasn't late, but i knew it was supposed to come. we'd been trying to get pregnant so i was watching it like a hawk. we ate lunch with friends after church. and before going home i ran in walmart. i grabbed milk, bread, eggs, a pack of white tshirts for bryant, and a pregnancy test. why not? i've seen negative tests for 9 months now (ever since my cycle came back). what's one more?

we got home. i laid isaac henry down. bryant was changing clothes. and i was peeing on a stick. it turned positive right away. i didn't tell bryant in any cute way. i just walked out of the bathroom and showed him the test. and he said, "is that pregnant? does that mean pregnant?!" we both cried.

finally.

and i just want to write down a few thoughts on pregnancy. not just mine, but pregnancy in general. i've gone back and forth on writing pregnancy blogs this time. and how to announce it. and when to announce it on the blog, in real life, etc. because i know that when you are trying to get pregnant and you see another pregnancy announcement, it feels like a personal vendetta against your womb. you feel punched, right in the gut. it's not that you aren't happy for the new momma, you're just unhappy for yourself. and i really think it's one of the hardest emotions to feel.

and i just wanna say, i know. if you want to be pregnant, i want you to be pregnant. there are ladies that read this blog that are longing to have babies in their bellies or for their babies to be home (however they're gonna get here). they want more butts to wipe and mouths to feed. i know that every month that you aren't pregnant feels like a year that's wasted. and you just have to go back to counting days and making sure that you have sex on these certain days and hoping and begging the Lord to just give you one more life to love on and listening to people nonchalantly ask "when are you gonna have another?" and smiling and saying, "hopefully soon." instead of screaming like you want to. and it. is. exhausting.

and that's why i've gone back and forth. because i want to be sensitive to you. i want you to know that whether you are actively trying to have a baby or maybe your heart just wants a baby and you're just having to wait for some reason or another, i've been there. i wanna give you a big hug, and say it sucks to wait. i know! patience is hard.

i want you to know that i'm going to write pregnancy updates this time. i will do my best to be sensitive to you. and please know, i do not take this for granted.

over the last year, i have prayed and stressed over my babies being 24 months apart. it has been my vision for so long. and i just couldn't let it go. and every month, when the negative test came, i thought, "well. we're not gonna make it. they'll be too far apart. they won't be friends." and i know that sounds so stupid and untrue, but it consumed me. and then, i stumbled across a blog. and it was the cutest little family. and their two babies were like 28 months apart or something. and she said that they were best friends. and it was like a weight was just lifted off my shoulders. i'm serious, in that moment, just looking at another silly family blog, i just let it go. i was ready to accept God's blessing, whenever. not just on my timeline.

and that's why i want to write updates this time. because you never know when this life of mine will be what someone else needs to see. and right now, part of my life is this pregnancy.

i also think it's worth mentioning that this baby is due in october. the same exact month that my isaac henry will be 24 months old. i just don't give the Lord enough credit. every month, when we weren't pregnant, i was so upset and like a little girl, i wanted to shout, "UNFAIR!" and now i'm just embarrassed, because God is giving me just what i wanted. exactly what i wanted.

does it work that way all the time? no, it doesn't. but oh, how He loves us. even when we don't trust. even when we think we know better. even when we accuse Him of being unfair. like a good daddy, He loves us.      

7 comments:

  1. Thank you for this...I stumbled across your blog when I was pregnant with my first little guy who is almost ten months old. I'm sure a lot of people think its too soon to be longing for another one, but I've taken about ten pregnancy tests in the last few months because we are hoping and praying God blesses us again soon. Sometimes I feel insensitive for hoping, because we are already so blessed, and I know there are families out there who are in a lot of pain due to infertility and other circumstances, and who long for even one child. But there's just something about the love a little one brings into your life that begs to be multiplied. But Gods timing is perfect, even when it doesnt seem that way. Congrats to you guys...what a wonderful witness you guys are!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lindsey Jo, thanks for posting this. With so many people I love having babies, it makes my heart hurt that I'm not in a place in my life to have one yet. You're right. It is a hard emotion to feel. I just have to remember that I will have a baby when the time is right and pray that it will come at the perfect time.

    Congrats again!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is exactly what I needed! Thanks ljo...cograts mama!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for writing this! I feel the same way, and you put it into words perfectly. I have a friend that's been trying to conceive that I felt almost bad to tell her I was pregnant because I remember that feeling. I sent her this link and she said she read it with tears in her eyes, and it was exactly what she needed to hear :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my goodness, congrats! :) This was very inspiring, too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. love this. you are a blessing!

    ReplyDelete
  7. you had me in tears with your words. i'm right smack in the middle of wanting to have my uterus be occupied but having to wait because the dr says so (we had a miscarriage a month or so ago). it is hard having to wait but knowing that God knows best and i just have to trust in His perfect timing. i am elated for you and i look forward to reading about your pregnancy. thank you for your words.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...