Tuesday, March 20, 2012

march 20. the first day of spring. signs of new life every where.

and still it somehow seems fitting that this is the day two years ago that my brother, noah, died.

it wasn't expected. he hadn't been sick. he was in his prime actually. strong. handsome. weeks away from turning 19. and he was riding his motorcycle with his new girlfriend, kelsie, when someone pulled out in front of him and he couldn't stop in time. he was killed instantly. she died within minutes. 

i miss him.

in ways it's been a long two years. but in other ways, it's flown by, reminding me that this life really is a vapor. it doesn't stop. days keep rolling by and in no time, it's been two whole years since i've seen him.

there's no way that i can sum up the person noah was in a single blog post. 

noah was hilarious. he was so hardworking. and he was a dreamer. he would always make lists of things he wanted to buy or do. scratched out on scrap pieces of paper with the price out beside it, so he could keep track of how long he needed to work to do the things he wanted. he was kind. i can't count the number of times he would run in the house and grab jumper cables just to drive all the way back to where ever he came from to jump a stranger off. he really did care about people. he was really good at loving. he liked to give gifts. i almost fainted the day he called me to tell me he had bought kelsie, who was in HIGH SCHOOL and WASN'T dating him yet a $600 pair of earrings. he was dumb, but he gave joyfully. and he didn't just give stuff, he was really good about giving compliments too. and he was so talented. artistic, musical, athletic. he tried out just about every "scene". but i think he had finally settled into who he was.

people like to immortalize people after they die. and noah was great. but i feel like sometimes people don't remember him for everything he was. he had a bad temper. and bad self image problems. and sometimes he was mean. he made mistakes. so many of his phone calls to me started with the phrase, "i need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to get mad at me." a forewarning that he had done something dumb and needed to confess it to someone. and i always made the promise. and i usually got mad anyway. oh, what i wouldn't give to hear those stupid words leave his lips one more time. but i love those mistakes. i love that he was mean sometimes. because it makes him real.

most importantly, he loved Jesus. he was certainly not a theologian. but he knew the Gospel. and believed it. and he was a servant of the church long after he didn't "have to be" [pastor's kids].

being his big sister is so engrained into the person that i am. he was a huge part of my life. we fought when we were growing up. we annoyed one another. we were normal. but in the last years of his life, as we both entered adulthood, we became best friends.

i trust God and i don't understand. my life has been changed because noah lived and because noah died.

i love him. i miss him.
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