Sunday, March 20, 2011

reflecting.

* i rarely blog about serious stuff. but i'm fixin' to get real with ya. and it's gonna be long.

a year ago, i was still in college, therefore, i was living in knoxville. 3 hours from home. bryant and i were sitting on the couch, watching a movie, like most saturdays. bryant's phone started to ring, the i.d. said it was my mom, so he paused the movie and handed me the phone. i just thought she couldn't get a hold of me on my phone or something.. it was my dad. "you're not mom." hahaha. daddy didn't sound right, so i immediately thought something had happened to mom. not noah. never noah. then he told me noah and kelsie [his girlfriend] had been in an accident on noah's motorcycle. my thoughts: of course they were. he's a goofball. what hospital do need to be at? good grief, noah. so i asked, "ok. where are they?" silence. "are they ok?" then my world stopped, as my sweet daddy told me that they were both killed.

the next week or so was a blur. i have a lot of negative opinions about funerals/people at funerals now.

1. they are no fun. everyone you've ever met, or maybe you haven't met them, come to pay their condolences, which is sweet. but we were tired and shocked and in no state to be comforting other people. but we did, because that's what we had to do. then people get this idea that you're doing great and taking everything really well, when really you've just cried out all the tears you can in that period of time, and you just want to sneak away and eat some of those sandwiches that strangers have brought.

2. flowers are a goofy gift. no one needs that many houseplants.

3. visitations/funerals are not the time to ask questions. actually, just play it on the safe side and never ask. mind your business. if there is something that you need to know, you'll probably be told.

4. i will never claim to know what someone is going through. ever. when people said that to me, i nodded. but i wanted to say, "no. you have no idea what it is like to be me. to have noah as a brother. and for him to suddenly die at 18 years old. you may know what it's like to lose a brother/sibling/friend/parent/neighbor/cashier at piggly wiggly. but you do not know what it's like for ME to lose noah. because you aren't me."

5. this will be my last negative-nancy comment on people at funerals, and this one is probably the one that annoyed me the most. i will never understand why people think it's hip to be friends with the dead person. noah was 18 when he died. so young, real young. and apparently other young folks thought it was super cool to be friends with noah. i have never in my life heard so many people call him their "best friend" when they didn't even talk. noah did have a lot of friends, but 100 BFFs? i don't think so. people have tried explaining this phenomenon to me. but i still don't understand. i guess you can call someone your best friend when they aren't around to defend themselves? and in that case, i will tell you all that noah had a portrait of george washington tattooed on his hind-end. and he can't tell you any different, so it must be true.

phew. that was a buncha negative. how about some positive? mainly, there are two things that God has hammered into my brain over the past year.

1. He is sovereign. still. God knows the number of our days before we are even in our mother's womb. God is in control. He is the same God he was on march 19, 2010 before noah died.

2. God did not abandon me. yes, this part of life sucks. it has changed my overall life forever. but life is still so good. i am still so blessed. God continues to provide for me and bless me. i am not abandoned.

and of course there's a whole bunch of other stuff i've learned. who my true friends are. how important it is to take pictures and video. how easy it is to not work out when your brother isn't there to remind you that he got the skinny genes and you need to do p90x.

mostly, i can't believe it's been a whole year. i miss noah so much. i love him so much. we weren't regular siblings. we were friends too. i hate that he doesn't ignore my calls. i hate that i'll never have a sister-in-law that's mine. or nieces and nephews that are mine. i hate that when bryant and i want to hang out with another couple, it will never be noah and his girlfriend or wife. it's amazing how big of a difference one person makes in life. i wish he coulda seen our house [and helped us move!]. i wish i could see his reaction when i told him he was gonna be an uncle. i told bryant the other day that it was a shame noah wasn't around, cause he woulda bought this baby all the crap we need and we wouldn't have to [noah liked to buy people stuff]. i just miss him.

life is different. but it's still so good.

that was long..

5 comments:

  1. beautiful post!

    So thankful for you! Thankful for Bryant! Thankful for Noah, thankful that you two weren't just siblings but friends. Grateful that ya'll didn't take each other for granted but so loved each other!

    Thank you for the testimony and glory you give to God even through the terrible and unthinkable. You and Noah have both taught me a lot this year. That here on Earth is just a glimpse compared to eternity!

    Still, I am so sorry for your loss. Sorry that Noah is gone. He would so be showering you and this new babe with insane amounts of gifts!! Praying for you, Bryant, and your momma and daddy today that Jesus will continue to hold your hurt and to provide for your needs. Love you all so much!

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  2. I second Em. I am Thankful for the Cokers and the Wilsons.

    I thank God everyday for you and the amazing, faithful testimony that you and your family have shown to all. You are remarkable to me. I hate that life sucks and hate that the lil' peanut can't meet it's crazy uncle noah until heaven. I hate that you and your family have had the feel such hurt.

    I love you and praise God that He has shown His sovereignty to all of us through this. You are wonderful and such a precious friend. I just love you. Am praying. Will never stop.

    Smile :)

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  3. I know that we have never been close. I can't even say that we were friends, but we went to high school together. You were always and still are a great person. I can't sit here and say that I know your pain, because I don't. I have never lost anyone that close to me. Everyone goes through pain differently and you have shown great courage and strength through your words.

    I have seen you and Nosh around each other at school and in photos on facebook. I wish I had that close relationship that you guys had, because I don't have that with my brother. We are miles apart, but thats no excuse.

    Lindsey, your going to make an amazing mother. Everyone knows it and Noah would have loved to have been here to see you raise him or her. Enjoy your life together with Bryant and your child. Noah will be looking down and smiling at what is going on.

    Thank you for being the person you truly are. Maybe, we can get to know each other through these blogs. You are my only follower. You have shown me that life is short and I need to treasure the moments I have with the people I love. So, thank you.

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  4. My heart has been heavy for you all weekend. I'm glad I waited for computer time until I got K to bed, so I could have Mommy time, because this is a moment I needed by myself. If I could, I'd hug you right up at this very moment. Noah was, well Noah. Just typing that put a smile on my face and in my heart that nothing else could. He was such a fun kid, and made me laugh every time I saw him, no matter where it was. I'm glad I knew him. And he had the coolest sister I've ever known - you. I love and admire you more than you'll ever know. I'm always just a phone call away. XOXO

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  5. you hit the hammer on the head! it is a horrible experience and people just need to be more considerate of those grieving instead of worrying about putting their name on a list to receive thank you cards?!?! are you friggin kidding me?!?!! anywho, I love you and miss you and wish you were closer. So excited for you! let me know if you need any crazy mommy advice :)
    Sheena

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